Emails
I would like to thank all my friends who sent me such important emails in the past few years. I'm honored that you included me in your quest to inform and reform.
Because of all of you:
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I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains.
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I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
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I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant. You said it causes cancer.
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I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks. You said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
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I also stopped answering the phone. You said that they'll ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
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I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.
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I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers. You told me they're nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
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I also stopped drinking anything out of a can. You said that I'll get sick from the rat feces and urine.
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When I go to parties, I don't mix with anybody. You said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
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I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account, that poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.
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I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special email program.
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It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, nor did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I'm positive that all this is because of the chain I broke, or forgot to follow, and I got a curse from hell.
Important Note:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 30 people in the next ten minutes by clicking »here«, a bird will crap on you tomorrow after 2:00 PM.