Blow Job Etiquette

A Woman's Perspective:

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. If you get one, be grateful.
2. I don't care what they did in the porn video you saw, it's not standard practice to cum on someone's face and, no I don't have to swallow.
3. My ears aren't handles, and don't push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. Additionally, do you really want puke on your dick?
4. I don't care how relaxed you get, it's never okay to fart.
5. Having my period does not mean it's "hummer week". Get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just so you can have sex right now. "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
6. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't you dare tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
7. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
8. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. Also, refer to the advice about gratitude.
9. No, it doesn't particularly taste good and I don't care about the protein content.
10. No, I will not do it while you watch TV.
11. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough (or at all), keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
12. Just because "it's awake" when you get up doesn't mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

A Man's Perspective:

1. Yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone else (dirtier, prettier and with nicer/bigger tits, younger, etc.) who will.
2. Sometimes I like to watch it coming out and, besides, it's good for your complexion. Swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. And if you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
3. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
4. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" or "poot" mean anything to you?
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is about the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up! Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
6. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
7. Play with the balls. Caress the ass, too. "Daddy likes!"
8. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
9. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

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