Men Fear
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
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What are you thinking about?
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
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Baseball
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Football
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Sex
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Beer
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How fat you are
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How much prettier she is than you.
- How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
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Do you love me?
The proper response is:
"Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
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Oh yeah, tons.
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Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
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That depends on what you mean by love.
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Does it matter?
- Who, me?
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Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
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Compared to what?
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I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
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A little extra weight looks good on you. (Sounds familiar!)
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I've seen fatter.
- Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
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Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
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Yes, but you have a better personality.
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Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
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Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
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Define pretty.
- Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
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What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
Woman: "Would you get married again?"
Man: "Definitely not!"
Woman: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Man: "Of course I do."
Woman: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Man: "Okay, I'd get married again."
Woman: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: "Yes, I would."
Woman: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Man: "Where else would we sleep?"
Woman: "Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with ones of her?"
Man: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Woman: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Man: "She can't use them. She's left handed."