Inter-Office Memorandum

To: All State Employees
From: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor
Subject: The California State Employee Girlie Men Handbook
Date:
Cc: All Departments Heads, All Department Managers

Please observe the following changes to the employee handbook:

  1. Sick Days:

    1. We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

      1. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

  2. Personal Days:

    1. Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

      1. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

  3. Lunch Break:

    1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch.

      1. They need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

    2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch.

      1. They need to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch.

      1. That's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

  4. Dress Code:

    1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

      1. If we see you wearing $350.00 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600.00 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

      2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

      3. If you dress in between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

  5. Bereavement Leave:

    1. This is no excuse for missing work.

      1. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers.

      2. Every effort should be made to discourage employees from tending to the arrangements.

      3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.

      4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch break (see item #3) and subsequently leave that much earlier.

  6. Restroom Use:

    1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.

      1. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls.

      2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

      3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders."

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

THE GOVERNATOR

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