365 Days of Sex

To my Dear Girlfriend (Wife):

During the past year I've tried to make love to you 365 times. I've succeeded thirty-six times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I feel I didn't succeed more often:

1. Fifty-four times the sheets were clean.

2. Seven times it was too late.

3. Forty-nine times you were too tired.

4. Twenty times it was too hot.

5. Fifteen times you pretended to be asleep.

6. Twenty-two times you had a headache.

7. Seventeen times you were afraid of waking the baby.

8. Sixteen times you said you were too sore.

9. Twelve times it was the wrong time of the month.

10. Nineteen times you had to get up early.

11. Nine times you said weren't in the mood.

12. Seven times you were sunburned.

13. Six times you were watching the late show.

14. Five times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do.

15. Three times you said the neighbors would hear us.

16. Nine times you said your mother would hear us.

Of the thirty-six times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

1. Six times you just laid there.

2. Eight times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.

3. Four times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.

4. Seven times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished.

5. One time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To my Dear Boyfriend (Husband):

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

1. Five times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.

2. Thirty-six times you did not come home at all.

3. Twenty-one times you didn't/couldn't cum.

4. Thirty-three times you came too soon.

5. Nineteen times you went soft before you got in.

6. Thirty-eight times you worked too late.

7. Ten times you got cramps in your toes.

8. Twenty-nine times you had to get up early to play golf.

9. Two times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.

10. Four times you got it stuck in your zipper.

11. Three times you had a cold and your nose was running.

12. Two times you had a splinter in your finger.

13. Twenty times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.

14. Six times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.

15. Ninety-eight times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together:

1. The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

2. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

3. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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