~ Prenuptial Agreement ~

§ Articles:

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that:

§ Section 1: Terms & Conditions

§ Section 1.00

In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

§ Section 1.01

And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So this is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

§ Section 1.02

I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

§ Section 2: Formation

§ Section 2.00

I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

§ Section 3: Jurisdiction

§ Section 3.00

Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

§ Section 3.01

I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

§ Section 3.02

And I will also mention this to your friends. A lot.

§ Section 4: Execution

§ Section 4.00

After sex, which I will never refer to as "making love", I will neither expect you to cuddle me for hours until your arm goes dead, nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

§ Section 4.01

I will never, ever, give your penis a "cute" nickname.

§ Section 5: Provisions

§ Section 5.00

In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy, especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there grinning.

§ Section 5.01

I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner and hide their car keys so they have to stay the night.

§ Section 5.02

I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

§ Section 5.03

I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

§ Section 5.04

I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.

§ Section 6: Termination

§ Section 6.00

After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues or anyone else you have ever met or may one day meet. If men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."

§ Section 7: Ownership

§ Section 7.00

I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you are in charge of anything *mechanical*, with the exception of the following household items:

  1. Iron

  2. Washing machine

  3. Dryer

  4. Stove

  5. Refrigerator

  6. Garbage disposal

  7. Vacuum cleaner

  8. Toilets

I sign my name to this instrument , and being first duly sworn, do hereby declare to the undersigned authority that I sign and execute this instrument as my free and voluntary act for the purposes therein expressed, and that I am eighteen (18) years of age or older, of sound mind, and under no constraint or undue influence.

__________________________________ (SEAL)


THE FOREGOING INSTRUMENT consisting of these typewritten pages, was on , signed, sealed, published and declared by __________________________________, the party therein named, as for her Prenuptial Agreement. We, the witnesses, sign our names to this instrument, being first duly sworn, and do hereby declare to the undersigned authority that the party signs and executes this instrument as her Prenuptial Agreement and she signs it willingly, and that each of us, in the presence and hearing of the party, hereby signs this document as witness to the party's signing, and that to the best of our knowledge the signer is eighteen (18) years of age or older, of sound mind, and under no constraint or undue influence.




State of __________________________________

County of __________________________________

On , before me, __________________________________, personally appeared, personally known to me (or proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence) to be the person(s) whose name(s) is/are subscribed to the within instrument and acknowledged to me that he/she/they executed the same in his/her/their authorized capacity(ies), and that by his/her/their signature(s) on the instrument the person(s), or the entity upon behalf of which the person(s) acted, executed the instrument.

WITNESS my hand and official seal.

__________________________________ (SEAL)
Signature of Notary

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