Friends With Benefits Agreement

§ Section 1: Terms & Conditions

§ Section 1.01

Both parties do hereby agree to consensual sexual activity, which in no way constitutes a relationship, hereafter known as an “understanding.” A traditional relationship is commonly known as, but not limited to, dating, serious dating, long-term relationship, meaningful commitment, seeing each other, engagement, or marriage.

§ Section 1.02

While said understanding may consist of some of the hallmarks of a traditional relationship, any and all use of said hallmarks shall not constitute the development of a traditional relationship from an understanding. Any attempt to form a traditional relationship with the opposite party must be with expressed written consent.

§ Section 1.03

“Hallmarks” are defined as, but not limited to, spending the night, cuddling, talking about your day, your problems, your dreams, your fears, or even talking at all, being seen together in public, calling for any reason other than sexual activity, introducing the other party to your friends or family, caring one iota for the other person, or buying the other person breakfast.

§ Section 2: Formation

§ Section 2.01

A valid understanding is formed by expressed written consent prior to sexual activity. In the event that both parties engage in consensual sexual activity prior to formation, but wish to form an understanding, such an understanding will be possible (and this document will have retroactive effect) if the activity was limited to less than three encounters over a seven-day period, provided that there are no earmarks of a date, and neither party could possibly entertain the reasonable belief that all that sex must somehow constitute a traditional relationship.

§ Section 2.02

“Earmarks” are defined as, but not limited to, dinner, drinks that are consumed at a mutually agreed upon appointment, movie, film, or any other combination of the above, or any other activity commonly engaged in by people for the sole purpose of bedding the other party.

§ Section 2.03

“Reasonable belief of a traditional relationship” will be a question for the jury, and the jury shall consider such evidence of each party's past relationships, the films Singles, Swingers, and Fatal Attraction, and whether or not each party would have to be a damn fool to think that this was anything more than a booty call.

§ Section 3: Termination

§ Section 3.01

Each party may terminate the understanding without notice, although a curt e-mail would be considered polite, mature, and evidence of the ability of the terminating party to engage in future understandings. An understanding may also be terminated by the act of engaging in a traditional relationship with another party, or the current party. An understanding does not lapse or terminate if one or both parties move away, lose touch, have a fight, or fail to engage in sexual activity for more than sixty (60) days.

§ Section 3.02

In the event of one of the above occurances, a pre-booty courtesy call or e-mail is required. Said call must be made with the utmost discretion so as to avoid unfortunate situations with any mates the other party may have taken during the intervening period. An example of an appropriate call or e-mail is as follows:

“Hello. This is ____________________. I'm calling regarding your cell phone service.”

The above example is an obvious lie. The truth, however, is in no way acceptable or encouraged. Stating your name will identify you. The act of calling will signal your intent. The lie will protect the party receiving the call.

§ Section 4: Jurisdiction

§ Section 4.01

Any and all disputes arising out of this agreement shall be adjucated in a court of public opinion consisting of the friends of each party.

§ Section 5: Damages

§ Section 5.01

All is fair in love and war. Your understanding is likely to fall somewhere in between the two.

§ Section 5.02

Damages shall be limited to loss of public reputation, and shall only be available when a party knowingly agrees to the terms of this agreement, and later claims that they thought the terms to mean something else. In that event, the non-stupid party shall have the right to act like a jerk, but feel like they are a good person.

We sign our names to this instrument , and being first duly sworn, do hereby declare to the undersigned authority that we sign and execute this instrument as our free and voluntary act for the purposes therein expressed, and that we are eighteen (18) years of age or older, of sound mind, and under no constraint or undue influence.

__________________________________ (SEAL)

THE FOREGOING INSTRUMENT consisting of these typewritten pages, was on , signed, sealed, published and declared by __________________________________, and __________________________________, the parties therein named, as for their Friends With Benefits Agreement. We, the witnesses, sign our names to this instrument, being first duly sworn, and do hereby declare to the undersigned authority that the parties sign and execute this instrument as their Friends With Benefits Agreement and they sign it willingly, and that each of us, in the presence and hearing of the parties, hereby sign this document as witness to the parties' signing, and that to the best of our knowledge the signers are eighteen (18) years of age or older, of sound mind, and under no constraint or undue influence.

__________________________________
Witness

State of __________________________________

County of __________________________________

On , before me, __________________________________, and __________________________________, personally appeared, personally known to me (or proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence) to be the persons whose names are subscribed to the within instrument and acknowledged to me that they executed the same in their authorized capacities, and that by their signatures on the instrument the persons, or the entity upon behalf of which the persons acted, executed the instrument.

WITNESS my hand and official seal.

__________________________________ (SEAL)
Signature of Notary

The Herewith Standard