The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously - you won't get out alive.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices talk only to me.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made!
Sooo… you're a feminist… Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot! Some parts are missing.
My kid got a blow job from your honor student.
Earth first… we'll mine the other planets later.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
God must love stupid people - he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Cat - The Other White Meat!
Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon.
I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes.
I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed. What More Do You Want?
Remember My Name. You'll Be Screaming It Later.
Welcome To Shit's Creek - Sorry, We're Out of Paddles.
If You Think I'm A Bitch, You Should Have Met My Mother.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I um…