What Our Former President Might Have Said About the War in Iraq

What Our Former President Might Have Said

Good evening my fellow Americans.

As you all know, the defeat of the Iraqi regime has been completed. Since Congress doesn't want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is over.

This morning I gave the order for the removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be completed within 30 days. It's now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. My press secretary will be distributing copies of these lists later this evening. One list contains the names of countries who stood by our side during the Iraqi conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List Two ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell Holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France!

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations…

Screw with us and we'll hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal. Now!

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We're retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I've also instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.

I love New York!

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List Two. Since we're likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List Two. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I'll have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We're tired of the one way highway. It's time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.

Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "Darn tootin'." Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.

It's time to eliminate hunger in America. It's time to eliminate homelessness in America.

To the nations on List One, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List Two, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America!

Thank you and good night.

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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you're reading it in English, thank a soldier.