If I Had Been Former President George W. Bush's Speech Writer
By Mitchell R. Robb

If I Had Been Former President George W. Bush's

Good evening my fellow Americans.

First, I want to pass my condolences on to the people of New York City and all Americans who are hurting in this tragic time. You can rest assured anything and everything that can be done to assure the safety of our country will be done. This is the greatest country in the world and we'll get through this trying time. Now is the time for all people to set aside their petty differences and show the world that no one or nothing can destroy the fortitude of the American people.

To the people responsible for today's tragedy, I say this… Are you fucking kidding me? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped too damn tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Don't you know who you're fucking with?

Americans are so hungry to kill, that we shoot at each other every day! We'll relish the opportunity for new targets for our aggression.

Have you forgotten history? What happened to the last people who started fucking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards over in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about two million of them in their own back yard! That's what we in America call a big ass barbecue!

Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever wonder why it's so big? Because we wanted it that way.

Mexico started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut our lawns. England - we sent them packing.

Ask your buddy Saddam about fucking with the good 'ole USA. The only reason he got away the first time is because it's too hard to shoot someone when you're doubled over laughing at 'em. Our soldiers aren't trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now he couldn't stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his shitty little country.

Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go ahead and try to hide, Bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough or a mountain high enough that's going to keep your camel riding asses safe.

We'll bomb every inch of the country that harbors him, his camps, and any place that looks and even smells like he was there. Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people who've pissed us off in the past.

This is America. We kick ass. This is what we do.

Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks are coming and very soon we'll smoke your sorry asses.

God bless America!

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