The Corporate Lingo Directory


"Competitive Salary"

  1. We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast-Paced Company"

  1. We have no time to train you.

"Must be Deadline Oriented"

  1. You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required"

  1. Some time each night, and some time each weekend.

"Duties Will Vary"

  1. Anyone in the office can boss you around.


  1. Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in Person"

  1. If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"No Phone Calls Please"

  1. We've filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience"

  1. You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills"

  1. You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills"

  1. Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.

"I'm Extremely Adept at all Manner of Office Organization"

  1. I've used Microsoft Office.

"I Take Pride in My Work"

  1. I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'm Personable"

  1. I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'm Extremely Professional"

  1. I carry a Day-Timer.

"I'm Adaptable"

  1. I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'm on the Go"

  1. I'm never at my desk.

"I'm Highly Motivated to Succeed"

  1. The minute I find a better job I'm outta here.

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