You're Ready to Have Kids
- Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
- Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
- Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute carpet tacks).
- Have a friend spread them all over the house.
- Put on a blindfold.
- Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
- Don't scream, as this would wake a child at night.
Grocery Store Test:
- Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop.
- Always keep them in sight, and pay for anything they eat or damage.
- Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
- Stuff into a small net bag, making sure all the arms stay inside.
- Obtain a large plastic milk jug.
- Fill it halfway with water.
- Suspend it from the ceiling with a cord.
- Start the jug swinging.
- Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
- Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
- Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag, and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.
- Soak it thoroughly in water.
- At 3:00 P.M. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 P.M.
- Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 P.M.
- Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
- Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 A.M.
- Set alarm for 5:00 A.M.
- Get up and make breakfast.
- Keep this up for 5 years.
- Try to look cheerful.
- Take an egg carton.
- Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
- Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle, using only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
- Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.
- Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
- Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon, or large SUV.
- Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
- Leave it there.
- Get a dime.
- Stick it into the CD player.
- Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
- Mash them into the back seat.
- Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
- There… perfect.
Physical Test (Women):
- Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
- Leave it there for 9 months.
- Now remove 10 of the beans.
- Try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
Physical Test (Men):
- Go to the nearest drug store.
- Set your wallet on the counter.
- Ask the clerk to help himself.
- Now proceed to the nearest food store.
- Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
- Purchase a newspaper.
- Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
- Find a couple who already have a small child.
- Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners.
- Suggest many ways they can improve.
- Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.
- Enjoy this experience.
- It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.