Aquarius: January 21-February 19
- You have an inventive mind and are inclined to use perspective. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.
Pisces: February 20-March 20
- You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA and the FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.
Aries: March 21-April 20
- You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
Taurus: April 21-May 20
- You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination to work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.
Gemini: May 21-June 21
- You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little; this means you are cheap. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer: June 22-July 23
- You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that is why you will always be on welfare and never be worth a shit.
Leo: July 24-August 23
- You consider yourself a born leader, while others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.
Virgo: August 24-September 23
- You are the logical type, and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
Libra: September 24-October 23
- You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are most likely a queer. Change of employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of V.D.
Scorpio: October 24-November 22
- You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius: November 23-December 21
- You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunkard dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting fucked.
Capricorn: December 22-January 20
- You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You do not do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time, as they tend to attract pigeons. They are notorious for farting in church.