A Hangover Rating System

A Hangover

Below is a system for rating the Friday at work/post Thursday night capricious revelry hangover.

  1. Black Star 1 Star Hangover

    1. No pain.

    2. No real feeling of illness.

    3. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy.

    4. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well.

    5. You are, however, still parched.

    6. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way.

    7. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries from Any Truck Stop USA.

  2. Black Star Black Star 2 Star Hangover

    1. No pain.

    2. Something is definitely amiss.

    3. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun.

    4. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a "Rootie-tootie-fresh-and-fruity" pancake breakfast from IHOP.

    5. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing Internet porn and writing junk emails.

  3. Black Star Black Star Black Star 3 Star Hangover

    1. Slight headache.

    2. Stomach feels crappy.

    3. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive.

    4. Anytime a girl walks by you gack because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 AM.

    5. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards.

    6. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapple's and a liter of diet coke yet you haven't pissed once.

  4. Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star 4 Star Hangover

    1. Life sucks.

    2. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.

    3. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

    4. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High '76.

    5. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following:

      1. The clock to strike 5:00 PM.

      2. The entire appetizer list from TGIFridays.

      3. A time machine so you could go back and not have gone out the night before.

  5. Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star 5 Star Hangover (AKA Dante's 4th Circle of Hell)

    1. You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cubicle.

    2. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

    3. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

    4. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

    5. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body.

    6. Death seems pretty good right now.

    7. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.

    8. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember:

      1. Who you were with

      2. Where you were

      3. What you drank

      4. Why there's a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house

    9. The only thing you could do is smoke a bong hit and pass out.

    10. It's only when you woke up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you could manage to eat:

      1. A large deluxe pizza

      2. An order of Kung Pao Chicken

      3. A ham and cheese omelet

      4. An entire batch of Rice Krispie treats

      Or:

      1. Pork fried rice

      2. Chili

      3. French fries with mustard

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