English Language Signs
In a Laundromat:
- Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a London Department Store
- Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In an Office
- Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In Another Office
- After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
Outside a Farm
- Horse manure - 50 pence per pre packed bag; 20 pence do it yourself.
On a Church Door
- This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
English Sign in a German Cafe
- Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating.
Outside a 2nd Hand Shop
- We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Outside a new Town Hall Which was to be Opened by The Prince of Wales
- The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Outside a Photographer's Studio
- Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.
Seen at the Side of a Sussex road
- Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a Disco
- Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
- Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
Notice Sent to Residents of a Wiltshire Parish
- Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
Notice in a Dry Cleaner's Window
- Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
On a Motorway Garage
- Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
In a Health Food Shop Window
- Closed due to illness.
Spotted in a Safari Park
- Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
Seen During a Conference
- For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a Field
- The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a Literacy Leaflet
- If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
On a Repair Shop Door
- We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)
Sign at a Norfolk Farm Gate
- Beware! I shoot every 10th trespasser and the 9th one has just left!
Spotted in a Toilet in a London Office lock
- Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Sign in a New Hampshire Jewelry Store
- Ears pierced while you wait.
Seen in a New York Restaurant
- Customers who find our waitresses uncivil should to see the manager.
Sign in a Los Angeles Dance Hall
- Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
Spotted in a Florida Maternity Ward
- No children allowed.