With Excerpts from George Carlin
I like big cars, big boats, big houses, and naturally, pretty women with big breasts.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary with a bad comb over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer.
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird or piss me off.
I know what sex is and there are not varying degrees of it. I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it's sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
If I received a blow job from one of my subordinate employees in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would have been fired immediately.
I know what the definition of lying is.
I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. If you want to that's fine. Just don't feel like everyone else should have to.
I believe that if you're selling me a Dairy Queen shake, pack of cigarettes, or hotel room, you should do it in English I can understand.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word freeze or stop in English, see the previous line.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount when needed.
I don't think just because you weren't born in this country, you should qualify for any special programs, government sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can you can open a hotel, trinket shop, or any damn thing else.
I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.
I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny and I love to watch The Supranos. I don't think, however, that if you air enough sit coms depicting gay relationships as acceptable we will all eventually accept "alternative lifestyles" as normal.
I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T, or Marilyn Manson sang. That doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap coming from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light, but I respect your right to.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through four to seven years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and risk their lives in vain and defend our constitution so that decades later you can tell me it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation.
I don't hate the rich. I want to be one of them.
I don't pity the poor. I have been and do not want to return.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, and a large percentage or our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either. I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already. As a matter of fact, my forefathers didn't even arrive here until the beginning of the twentieth century!
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them.
I shouldn't have to worry about my boss bringing me up on charges because one of my co-workers "felt uncomfortable" when I complimented her/him on their appearance.
I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the "Reverend" Jesse Jackson preaches, and where does he get his money? Why is he always part of the problem and not the solution? And besides that, what exactly is his job function?
I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue.
I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime then you will serve the time. A rubber band and a paper clip is a dangerous weapon in the hands of someone with malicious intent.
I worry about dying before I get even.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it pisses you off, invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy who invented the Internet to help you.
I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it pisses me off. You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male. Hell, if someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime and if you intentionally kill someone don't be a bit surprised if we all want to see your ass fry.
We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have.
I think if you're in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents with the balls to stand up to the kid and spank their butt and say "No."
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they're a political statement. I pierced my left ear many years ago when all I cared about was the next party, "road trip", pretty girl with big breasts (see above), etc. My boss still won't let me wear it to work.
I don't believe you have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.
I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.
I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
I salute the Flag. I take my hat off when they play the Star Spangled Banner and stand in silence. I don't think it's overly demanding to have adults and school children recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
Yes, I guess by some peoples' definition, I may be a bad American. But that's tough.