The New Millennium Version
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper is completely unwilling
to accept responsibility for his actions. He enlists the aid of a
minority, rhyming, outspoken, "Spiritual Advisor" with
a bad haircut. The "Spiritual Adviser," viewing this as
an opportunity to further his own political agenda, calls a press
conference demanding to know why the ant should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, CNN, FOX and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable
home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that,
in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
Then, a representative of the NCAGB (National Coalition for
the Advancement of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges
the ant with "green bias", making the case that the
grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being
The President and his wife make a special guest appearance on
the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned interviewer that they
will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been
denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly
during the Reagan summers, or as the President refers to it, the
"Temperatures of the 80's."
The Secretary of Commerce exclaims in an interview that the
ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls
for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and
Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,
his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the
grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant. The case is
tried before a panel of Federal judges that her husband appointed
from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases
on Thursday's between 1:30 PM and 3 PM, when there are no
talk shows scheduled.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last
bits of the ant's food while the government subsidized house
he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around him. He doesn't know how to, or care enough
about his home to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the
snow. On the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of
the ant's food and the government supplied
"allowance," they are showing the President standing
before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a
new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.